Book Chapter 8

Chapter 8 - Dustbin or scapegoat!

Letter Bomb

Take care.

It is not

always possible

to detect them

at first glance.

They weigh as much 

as circulars

or income tax demands.

Take care.

Normally they start

with a Dear where

 a Dearest used to be.

They go on to say

something About not

knowing how to put it.

They put it.

They hope you’re not hurt.

You are.

Take care.

Do not plunge the package

into a brine-soaked 

handkerchief.

Withdraw.

Call for assistance

‘It’s all for the best/’

‘Time is a great healer

Steve Turner ‘upto date’

Upto date Poems 1968-1982 Steve Turner Hodder and Staughton 1987

So you want to be a minister or you are a minister or you want to know what it feels like to be a minister! Then you have to accept the fact a lot of unpleasant things will come your/their way. Some of these are self inflicted as a result of making mistakes. Others can be put into two categories. You become the dustbin for other peoples rubbish or you find you are the scapegoat for their mistakes, their problems, their angst. If you don’t want to have this happen then don’t become a minister!

When I went into ministry and out into circuit life I was naive to put it mildly. Thankfully I was young, full of energy and drive. I was once described, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment ‘as a white tornado’. Having energy and enthusiasm kept me going through some dark times, now its experience of people that helps, but not totally. Every event, every kick in the face, stab in the back, is still felt keenly and bit by bit it wears you down. 

My first mistake was assuming that church people wanted to work to build the Kingdom of God. That they having been ‘converted’ would work together in love for that purpose. Silly me! I forgot they were part of an institution with their own history knowing what they wanted and how things should happen. 

My second mistake was thinking that when things went wrong all it would take was a visit, a conversation and once everything was explained it would all become clear. Talk about naive! 

My third mistake was assuming the family would be immune. Sometimes people could be unpleasant to my wife partly as a way of getting at me. And so the list could go on.

On arrival at our first main church a young couple introduced themselves as being the ‘only young couple in the church’. Alarm bells should have sounded, but glad there was a young couple, we tried to get on with them. He played the guitar so we tried to use him in worship. It was hard work in the first couple of years at this church. Sometimes another young couple would roll up but move on down the road to the United Reformed Church, with whom we got on very well. Then couples began to stay and church life began to be transformed (see chapter of the role of the house group). What I did not realise was that the young couple we first met liked the role of being the ‘only young couple’. They were soon threatened because having had a baby, we too then had a baby, so they were not the centre of attention and with more couples in the congregation their role was lost. They agitated within the church community and made life difficult. Like a fool I did early on rush round to visit to put a misunderstanding right but to little avail. I would always say now ‘don’t rush to do anything’ because often your first reaction while understandable is not necessarily the right way to resolve anything. Better to put a little time between you and the event. This is not about putting off dealing with difficult situations, which of course can be a temptation; it’s about handling something well. By taking time you can reflect on the situation and analyse what has happened and why. You can if necessary confer with your stewards as there may well be something else you need to know or be aware of. 

So what will come your way? At some point someone will leave the church because of you. How are you going to react? The first you will know about it is the fact they have been absent from church for a while, and then you get to hear on the grape line it’s because of something you have done or not done. You may have forgotten to thank them for something. You may have changed something in weekly worship they don’t approve of. Whatever it is at some point someone is going to take offence and leave. You could take this very much to heart and lose sleep over it. You can of course realise that you did not set out to upset anyone but by bringing about change people will be affected. Some people however will always move on so don’t lose sleep over it. It should be noted that good pastoral care does require you at least to try and call to see how they are and what they are thinking. You will need to listen carefully to what they say, read the body language and have to read between the lines. So a couple who left and began attending another church didn’t agree with the modernisation scheme that the church has agreed to. Instead of admitting that they opted out and blamed me, but not to my face. It also gave opportunity to express their dislike of the changes in worship. So you listen. You don’t seek to argue them back into the congregation it’s their choice to move to another church that doesn’t want to change. You have to accept that you will be blamed for lots of things and you will pick up the flak for minor annoying items. This is how people are and there is little point losing sleep over it, but you will because you care, and because you too are human.

You will also be the recipient of letters, hopefully signed, but occasionally unsigned. The latter can only be placed in the bin because if someone is not prepared to speak and acknowledge themselves then you cannot do anything with it. I have had letters that have been couched in ‘Christian speak’ but are in reality just a way of being very rude, usually pompous and ill informed. They can be really petty, from the 

• local preacher who wrote to complain she could see the clumpy shoes of the musicians when she came to communion. Just a way of moaning about the young people’s music group who sometimes played as people came up to receive the elements. 
• local preacher who twice berated me as the circuit addressed the need to review and possibly close buildings. 

On most occasions I have found it better to respond by talking rather than engage in a correspondence course. Modern technology though useful only aggravates this problem. The use of e-mails to relate information now gives rise to a very rude and unhelpful system of communication. People tend not to write even with the courtesy of a letter, and are often written without ever considering how the e-mail will be seen by the person receiving it. They tend to be blunt and so open to causing a great deal of hurt. One e-mail received sought to tell me how I should be doing things, and my need for the Holy Spirit to guide me etc. When confronted face to face the person was appalled and could not understand why I should be hurt by their desire to be helpful. 

This chapter opened with a poem by Steve Turner which I found very helpful in the light of one horrible experience early on. I was in my first appointment having worked my socks off for a number of years when a letter in a brown envelope fell through the letter box. I was in the study having a much needed sort out. When I opened the letter I was horrified to see it was from a woman who attended one of my small chapels. She accused me of never being around, not taking services and generally being a lazy minister. I was devastated as she implied others in the chapel felt the same. It took some time to come to terms with the contents and the poem above was very helpful. What transpired were two things. On finally visiting the woman I discovered she was having marital problems and in one way it was a cry for help. Secondly it came to light she knew nothing about a ministers workload. Because I only preached at her chapel once a month she believed I wasn’t doing anything else on the other Sundays. It was quite an eye opener to her to discover what I really did do. Her inference that others were unhappy was not without foundation. It was however only a couple of folk who did not like  the way Junior church had changed nor the discussions we were having with the parish church towards working more closely together, so it was political. 

   

One of the things you do have to watch out for is tiredness. When you are worn down by doing too much your ability to respond in a positive and creative way is diminished. It means you lose perspective and take everything personally. If you are going to cope with being the dustbin or scapegoat you do need to take time off. Now every minister will say that this is essential and we are all better at giving this advice than taking it. 

I have tried nearly every day of the week as a rest day apart from Sunday the one day of the week you work! Saturday to have with the family, but weddings, fetes, synods etc spoil the flow and you may still be finishing your sermon for Sunday so it’s not 24 hours off. Friday but then it’s been a youth club night, Monday but there are things left over from Sunday to be attended to and so it goes on. In the end you have to pick a day, it’s for you to rest; it’s not about a day or time with the family you need to do that as well. So having picked the day let everyone know that you are not available, except of course you will take the funeral if it can’t be on any other day! 

The other part of this equation of healthy lifestyle is the way ministers work silly hours driven I guess by guilt and a desire to prove we do work more than one day a week! So without realising it the diary fills up. You are working morning, afternoon and evening and it goes on like that for week after week, month after month, year after year until you collapse in a heap with either your body giving out, or your mind or your spirit or the lot. For me it was the body. So an ongoing complaint that is not life threatening, but life disturbing, just became more aggravated as the years went by if I over did it. So best to realise that most people do not work three sections of a day, and it is not in fact necessary. As I wrote these words knowing them to be true I still know I started off right but bad habits crept in. 

• being out every night is not good for you or family life so block another evening off in addition to your rest day. Don’t worry the baptism couple will just have to wait another week before you can see them. 
• next block an afternoon or a morning on the other days so you only work two sections. You will in the end benefit from it and so will the congregation. You will begin to realise that there are things you should be doing and things other people should be doing. You have been called to a ministry of word, sacrament and pastoral care. If you are too busy with a full diary how will you be able to respond to need as it arises? Either you will not be able to or have to do both and kill yourself. 
• next make sure you have booked your holidays so you have something to look forward to and you get a break away when you switch off. Here of course is a problem because your pay does not make it always possible to go away, and if you are at home you are still aware of your study and jobs that need doing so getting away is vital. 

If you can avert the worst consequences of over doing it you can keep tiredness at bay and keep reasonably fresh with an appetite for the work.  However, no matter how much you keep a work life balance you are still vulnerable to the whims of the congregation. This comes in the form of back biting and gossip by those who undermine what you are trying to do. Complaints about not visiting or not doing your job properly, that the previous minister did these things. These things can get to you. 

In fact the previous minister can be a real problem. You may find you do follow a genuinely popular minister who you would have liked and got on with. However their very popularity makes life hard for you. It’s not just a question of people comparing how you do things to them, that will always happen, and you have to be yourself. No it’s the demand by members of the congregation to invite them back to take services especially funerals. Now it is understood in ministry that you should not return for at least a year as this then gives the new person time to settle in and people can let go of the past minister. In my second appointment my predecessor was such that he could not say no. So quite early on he returned for funerals and visits to folk. Now it needs to be acknowledged that it is hard as minister and family to move on and to leaving behind many people who have become friends, some close friends. It takes tact and careful planning not to be seen to be around. It can be done. But when someone asks you can Mr so and so take the funeral you are placed in an awkward position. To say no appears to be childish and mean. If you say yes you end up getting cross inside. What could happen as a compromise solution is to say that you will conduct the service and that the previous minister can share in the service. This means you stay in control of the situation and can give as little or as much for the person to do. It may well be that your predecessor does not want to return and finds it hard to say no. They may be sensible and say it’s not possible because they have too many commitments or that they would be willing to come and do a reading. Ministers need to be supportive of each other. If we lose sight of the fact the world does not revolve around us then we will make it hard for others and ourselves. Eventually with time even the minister who gets invited back begins to fade into the past. But if only one person can have the hand on the tiller of the ship, you can’t have someone in the background still trying to do so, besides they should be getting on with it in their new appointment. 

     There can be a problem if a minister retires in the area just as retired ministers full stop can be a pain. Firstly they may take a lot of the funerals which affects the potential pastoral dimension of linking people with the church community. This has been a real problem in three of my appointments and the funeral directors are very much to blame. They are more concerned with their own diaries and getting the work through, and so they go to who they know will be free. But retired ministers need to be aware of the impact of what they do. For a young probationary minister who was in my circuit it meant they hardly took any funerals in their area. So a way of being a presence for the church was lost, and in no small measure the loss of an additional source of income when they had a family had an impact as well. It’s not impressive to see a retired minister coming out of the home of the funeral director with his list for the next week. It’s not impressive to know your predecessor complained bitterly about others taking funerals and then proceeding to do the same themselves, and then getting upset when you challenge them. Be aware it will happen. These things will annoy you to a greater or lesser extent from time to time. 

To counter balance that, you will find as I have, very supportive retired colleagues who will do all in their power to be supportive of you and not undermine you. As I write this I think of one character, Paul, who proved to be a tremendous support.

The pain of ministry comes in part from being isolated and having to hold information to yourself which you cannot share. You may be fortunate to have good colleagues but being honest, ministers don’t always get on with each other because they have such different views of church and theology. Much of the pain and anxiety comes from wanting to do your very best but never having enough time in which to do it. It’s the result of having to know everything, be everywhere, get on with everyone, be fair to everyone and yet be human. So you have to learn to go to bed with things undone, and maybe they always will be left undone. But then the church is not just about you. If others don’t want to do things, or see it as a hobby then it has to be let go of. 

Surviving - Personal devotion, reading, staff meetings and a box of Thank You’s

Key to survival in ministry, apart from holidays, is the way you feed your mind. Over the years I have tried various patterns of devotion, all are useful, and all have depended upon changing patterns of one’s own life. There have been times when I have not felt like bothering, times when I have not bothered and times when I have been incredibly diligent. So just because you are a minister does not mean you will not be like everyone else. I know that if I do not feed my mind, feed my spirit, feed my relationship with God then I dry up and it’s not as much fun as it can be. For me getting the answers is not it, getting the next question is.

To survive then and to counter the natural tendency not to do your daily prayers I find putting myself in the position where I have got to do them really helps. By this I mean I have in two of my appointments created a small prayer chapel at my larger church where daily prayers were said. Being an associate member of the Iona Community means a commitment to a daily office which I introduced to the two places. It means at the very minimum Monday to Friday I will be leading morning prayers about 9.45am so that having done some paper work first thing I can then pray and then go on to do visiting etc. Morning prayers mean others are able to join me and together we worship and pray for the church community and its needs. This then becomes the basic building block to a devotional life. At the other end of the day but not so regularly I have used a form of Compline, a late evening office, which helps to put the day into perspective and rest the mind. In my earlier years  I used ASB (alternative service book) morning office as well as the Compline office. I have had a pattern of offering people for their own devotion a simple daily prayer booklet. It is based on the Iona daily service and given an additional booklet of the names of the church community broken down into each day of the month. In this way I and they pray for our community.

Next you need to ensure you are reading lots of materials. There will be your use of commentaries when preparing for worship and talks. There will be the more substantial theological tombs that you pick up, though to be honest that happens less in the day to today of ministry than I would have liked, not least because of the cost of buying the books. Then you need to read novels because through them your mind is engaged in a creativity and challenge about human nature. Sadly it has become clear that many people do not read. 

What has become key for me is the touchstone of the Iona community. It’s many resources for worship, its challenge as to what it means to be community and the opportunity to go to Iona either on my own or taking groups has been a source of real refreshment.

Staff meetings

These have the potential as a source of support. In my first appointment it was just the time when three older ministers chatted away because we had to meet. I would like to think that when it’s been my responsibility as a superintendent to make them happen, we have used the time to pray, share our concerns about our ministry and to work through ideas about the life of the circuit. I liked them to be fortnightly as it meant meeting frequent enough to keep up to speed and move things on but not so frequent as to stop work being undertaken. As I write when I was part of a very large circuit with a large group of colleagues the whole dimension has had to change. We  worked at a monthly full gathering whose focus has been more about devotion and sharing with less business and alongside it we have had a monthly meeting of triplets for more personal support. 

A good idea is to keep a box to put the thank you cards, the positive letters and e. mails in. They are there for the occasional dip into. They remind you that you are not wasting your time; people do value your ministry and keep on going.

It has to be acknowledged that at times there is a loneliness about being a minister. You are given the freedom to structure your own day and to use your time as you feel appropriate. That is a great gift but it has the danger of isolating you physically from others, it’s probably one of the reasons why I have came to enjoy having a church/circuit office. The relationship with at the very least a secretary as you do paper work, and if they are confidential, to chat through issues and ideas. Yet in the end the nature of the leadership you seek to exercise means that you stand apart from the others. You have to be courageous while understanding of others. You have to take risks and go it alone and hope others will trust you and follow. You have to make mistakes. One thing that really winds me up are colleagues who while knowing what we need to do prevaricate. This delays change and sometimes makes the situation worse. It’s about putting off the inevitable. I can only speak for myself.  I don’t see how in following Jesus and trying to model leadership upon him that you put off making the decision and seeing it through. There is of course the constant vulnerability of you moving on, your own choice or theirs; this leaves you in a fragile place. I have known colleagues who have just moved every five years regardless because they can’t face our invitation system. I suspect important work has suffered because of this. There is also the loneliness that is generated when you cannot be in control of situations and you just have to live through the experiences. Of course the image of Jesus on the cross immediately comes to mind. It has to be written that while at one deep level I always know there is a God, it can feel as if God has gone off on vacation and it’s all empty and meaningless. This is why it’s so important to have the discipline of daily prayer. It feels like a routine and you are ticking a box and yes you are. Yet without it, you stop breathing the life of faith and become vulnerable to thinking it’s all about you. It’s why I love the ashing service at the outset of Lent 

Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return

Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.

It does help to keep life in perspective.

There will moments of real conflict and this brings me onto a major area of ministry. How do you handle change?