Book Chapter 5

 Chapter 5 - Cultic rites

Somewhere in the human psyche there is a need to acknowledge, celebrate and mark out key events in life. We are told moving house, changing jobs, getting divorced are some of the most stressful things you will ever do. As a minister you know that is true because you move house and change job at the same time and just hope it doesn’t cause a divorce! So more of that later in this book. 

     When a child is born and those emotions of joy and wonder, alongside a sense of inadequacy ‘how will we ever cope’ rise to the surface what do people do? Or when they feel they want to share their life with another individual, that they are able to commit whole heartedly every aspect of their being. What are they going to do to mark that out? And when as we all know someone dies (not pass over, or are lost) what kind of ceremony is required to celebrate and grieve that life? 

     Every minister will face this round of life changing events, and needs to decide how they will be approached from their Christian perspective.

 By cultic rites, the title of this chapter, I mean of course Baptisms, Weddings and Funerals. There is a real sense in which as minister you are performing rites that predate Christian rituals. In theory, these life changing events provide us with a creative opportunity to engage with people beyond the worshipping community, and so share our faith in Christ. Whether you find yourself living in a place where you only get a handful of each a year, or your diary is bursting with them. You need to determine the time you are prepared to give over to them, and what you hope will be the outcomes of engaging in these rites of life. In my experience we are dealing increasingly with some kind of left over memory of how things should be done. People will not on the whole be able to articulate why they are seeking your services. You will have to help them tease out their motivation, their needs and if appropriate help them to take a different course of action. 

    Your church members may not be pleased with you when you do that, after all they love to see their church filled when there is a couple of baptisms! Each area of these rites needs to be explored separately and your own position formed. They are in my opinion different. 

   Making promises for yourself before God is one thing (marriage), making them on behalf of others, your child in baptism, is another.

1. Baptisms

Three vicars are talking about their problems with cockroaches. The first says, ‘I’ve put down poison, but nothing seems to get rid of them.’ The second says, ‘I called in the exterminator but he couldn’t shift them.’ The third says, ‘I got rid of all of mine. I just baptised them all and I haven’t seen them since.’

While Funerals and Weddings can on the whole be left to the minister to undertake without real need to make reference to the local congregation this cannot be said of Baptisms. Baptisms require at the very least that the minister makes clear to their congregation the approach they will be taking for this sacrament. Where possible, gain the support of the church council for your approach. As the minister you have to be clear how you are going to deal with what for most Methodist Ministers is a request for a baby to be baptised. 

    Methodist Ministers have to affirm their willingness to baptise infants before they can be ordained. Yet the attitudes of colleagues and the practical ways they go about Baptism creates a minefield when you arrive in a local situation. 

    I quickly discovered there are ministers who just take the booking over the phone, taking details and give a date for when it happens (usually now within an act of normal Sunday worship). So be ready for surprise when you say you will come and visit to talk about it first.                         

     There are those ministers who insist that couples start attending for worship before they will even arrange a visit. Between these two positions which I would describe as the ‘pour water over anything that moves’ and ‘not until you have proved yourself to be  part of the church mentality’, most ministers fall. 

       Clearly your theological position needs to be worked out as it influence’s how you go about meeting people. Can we deny that the grace of God goes first? So we baptise the child. Then again if Baptism is about promises made by adults on behalf of another involving inclusion in the community of Christ’s people. Should you not expect that parents will fulfil their promises and become part of that community?  Each minister needs to work it out for themselves. In my own experience the tension, disappointment and frustration reared its ugly head from time to time. But then I’m in the middle of the theological spectrum, and on a good day can smile about it, while on another get really annoyed knowing I won’t see them again!

So let’s move onto the practicalities. It is extremely unlikely that couples coming for a Baptism, and they will usually call it a christening as do many ministers disappointingly, will return again to worship, unless of course it’s for the next baptism or they now want to get married. It does however provide an opportunity to engage beyond the church community, and there is always the possibility of helping people take a step on a journey to God. Yet as soon as I write those words they sound hollow and just a bit pious. 

    The phone call comes ‘I’m ringing to arrange a christening’ ‘or to have my child done’, rarely will folk say baptism. On receiving a telephone call you need to determine where the couple live. This can cause the first of your headaches and possible aggravation. While you are reasonably liberal about the practice of infant baptism, you do recognise the need for them to live in your area. But you get told they no longer live locally, but want to come back because it’s where they were baptised, and all the family or where they got married. Maybe grandparents live still in the locality. Gently but firmly you need to seek to direct them to their own local congregation. Sometimes people become quite angry with you claiming you are saying no. Stand firm. I recommend this because if they come to you it is in complete isolation from any possibility that they will go to their local church. They need to create some kind of relationship, if only with the local minister who may be able to follow up the family following the baptism. Be prepared for flak not just from the couple, but local family, who will declare ‘it’s their right’. Here lies the failing over the church and ministers who have allowed people to perceive Baptism as some kind of ‘British’ rite of passage. This is not helped when ministers just book in baptisms over the phone without any preparation for the sacrament. 

     Having determined they live locally I arrange to make a visit which I confirm by letter. I used to send a small booklet outlining baptism and what the church can offer couples, until I made a visit to discover the couple were illiterate. It begins the process of exploring do they want a thanksgiving, a Baptism or just a way into the church. There are still some people who do not realise that you can bring your child to worship/Junior Church, without them having been baptised. Somewhere deep in the human psyche lay some very primitive ideas. I have only said no once to a baptism when a couple stated quite clearly the reason for the baptism. ‘If their child was not baptised the child would go to hell on death.’ I refused to collude with such a view and I could not shift their position.

    It’s important I feel not to be rushed into dates. On the phone they may ask when the baptism will be. My response is always let’s talk about it first, and as a Methodist, usually having more than one church, you will still not have made the preaching plan for the quarter when their child is likely to be baptised. So it’s easy to defer the question. I generally kept one evening open for weddings and baptisms so couples have to wait for when I can call. I do not believe it’s healthy for people to think you are at their beck and call. Generally I visited baptism couples in their home where they will be more at ease, and save them having to get a baby sitter.

     Some ministers run baptism preparation classes with a  number of couples together; I can believe this is helpful in terms of use of time, and giving what we are doing a more serious approach, real preparation. My requests have tended to come like buses and you cannot always predict them, so such classes have not been possible for me. At a personal level I would still need to be convinced of the benefit of the time given to justify such groups. 

     So arriving in the couple’s home you will be faced by a variety of circumstances depending on their cultural background. Often the TV will be on and it’s clear they have no intention of switching it off. The baby may be up, being fed. There may be siblings around.  Mum is usually the one who has contacted you and dad often sits uncomfortably in some ways disinterested. You may go into the home to find a grand-parent present who is there to make sure they get what they want.

    Let’s just digress for a moment and go back to the local church. I have always made clear to my church councils early on, 

• that I do not say no to a baptism request (apart from the once) but I do expect to visit the family, explore with them what they are seeking to do, what are their needs, 
• that I would undertake baptisms only in the context of a normal act of Sunday worship. 
• I usually only ever do two baptisms at any given time, otherwise you may as well get the hosepipe out and spray them all. 
• That I will treat all requests the same from within or outside the faith community. 
• The baptism needs to be part of worship but not overtake everything else. More than two at any one time and you can kiss good bye to the rest of the service and the needs of the rest of your congregation, let alone the opportunity to really engage with the families who have come for the event. 

It’s important to challenge the local church to fulfil their commitment with the provision of its worship and work with children (junior Church). Don’t expect them to keep coming if your church cannot provide the right facilities. You will need to provide as a church some kind of follow up. The minister, unless they plan to do nothing else, will not be able to follow up the family. In Methodism it was possible for the cradle roll/first step secretary to do that, but with fewer requests such posts have all but does out. through the bulk of my  ministry the was however still possible. So ideally a team ensured a quarterly visit, birthday cards, monthly newsletter etc. The church council needs to understand that you will be treating everyone the same. They will of course say yes to all of that. Yes that is, until when you go to make a visit, and it’s to a grandchild of a church member who cannot understand why you are visiting, and why you want to know why they want a baptism. Here you stand as minister, representative of the whole church, with a responsibility to teach the faith regardless of who it is. So you once again stand firm and carry on normally.

     So back to the visit and the possible grandparent sitting there who may in fact be a church member. You have to carry on as normal. You have to your advantage the knowledge of the meaning of Baptism. Well I hope you do! It is unlikely in my experience that many church members will know much more than the couple you have come to see, a sad indictment of our church teaching. If the TV is on politely request it to be switched off, this is a serious conversation you are holding. If animals are around and you are not comfortable with a large dog (usually they ask) don’t hesitate to say you would prefer it to be in another room. You need to be comfortable and focussed. For me the purpose of the visit is to tease out what the couple are feeling and what it is they want to express. They will in spite of you being in their home be nervous. The baby may well cry sensing their unease, not a bad time if you are good with them to ask to hold the baby, who more often than not shuts up because you are more relaxed. As you invite them to share their thoughts getting them to clarify what they are hoping to do and why, remarks such as ‘well I was baptised’ ‘I went to Sunday school’ ‘We want to give them a good start’ will flow from their lips. Sometimes you get real honesty. ‘I don’t know’ or ‘well it’s something you do don’t you’ or ‘the grandparents want it and we want to keep them happy’ I have even had ‘if you baptise them it will make them good’ If that was true we ministers could quickly resolve anti social behaviour no need for ASBOs. (anti social behaviour orders) What you have to hold onto, as you get cross or bored inside, sitting there listening to the umpteenth time to such comments, that your presence is potentially creating the space to discover what they do and do not know. It is from that position you can move forward correcting erroneous views and sharing the need for discipleship of Jesus. But a plea as you share, don’t get all holy and preach at them. 

     The discussion may naturally lead to talk about a thanksgiving service, especially where couples openly claim no commitment to Christ, and really did not know there was an alternative. I believe we are there to help people be honest in what they want to say and do. We are not there to collude in keeping our baptismal statistics high. There will be the need to explain about Baptism if that’s what they still want. You place it in its historical context; explain the meaning of the promises and how the local church will seek to fulfil its promise to them and their child. 

    To be honest sometimes you feel like you are going through the motions. You quickly begin to sense if you are wasting your time and that they have no real intention of ever returning to worship. If parents are not prepared to give time over even for one service a month, it is extremely unlikely that the child will ever come into faith. But once a year I would hold a First steps service inviting back couples for the previous three years to renew their promises, and to invite those now old enough to go into junior church. Sometimes people came, and sometimes a child joined junior church. I think I could have predicted most of those from the day I visited the home. I usually allowed forty five minutes for a visit which is ample time normally to tease out what is required, to explain in clear terms baptism and share the context of the service. 

At the service it’s important that people feel comfortable. Traditionally families end up sitting right at the front of the church where they sit very uncomfortably not knowing what to do, when to stand or sit etc. 

• I ask couples to be at church at least 15 minutes before the service so they can sit in the middle of the church half way down the aisle with the couple on the end of the row. This way people are in front of them and they can see what to do. 
• I have found rather than having them all out at the front for the Baptismal part of the service, and that includes God parents, I get them to make their promises etc from the body of the church, with just the parents coming out for the baptism itself. 
• They are brought forward by the First steps secretary who will later give them the candle. Siblings normally come out as well, but not the god parents. Siblings can be engaged in holding the candle for their baby brother/sister. 
• The practice of taking the babies into the congregation following the baptism is another chance to affirm the needs to fulfil our promises as a church in expectation that the child may come to faith. 
• I would present he family with an A5 laminated sheet, one side the Lord’s Prayer and on the other three prayers which I invite them to use with their child. At the very least a parent can read a prayer each night to their child so beginning to give them the tools for a relationship with God. I increasingly observe that people do not know the Lord’s Prayer and this is one small way of addressing that issue.
• As for photo’s they all take place after the service when I am happy to pose but not during the worship as for me this is an act of worship not a show. 
• If you are fortunate to have multi-media equipment in your church, this enables people not to have to hold lots of different books, but just follow the service on the screen. It’s more like the world most people inhabit. 

I guess Baptisms by the wider community will die out as fewer people are associated with church and no grand-parents to put pressure on them. This could be a very healthy thing for the church as we can then move to Baptism being a true sign of being part of a faith community, and being people of all ages on a journey towards God. 

b)  Funerals

He takes a Good Funeral!

I have had more fun with funerals than any other of the cultic rites! 

• the coffin that was so large it couldn’t go into the cremator, and it looked like a dining room table coming down the church aisle. 
• the do it yourself funeral, arriving at the house to find the coffin on the floor of the front room. 
• the service when I acted as DJ because the congregation wasn’t going to sing so it was all on CD’s 
• watching families at war sitting either side of the church ,
• or the church member who wouldn’t die till I got back from holiday so he could force me to let someone else take part in the service, 
• to coffins nearly dropped, or floating in the grave because so much rain had fallen the night before, 
• or the struggle to get the coffin in the ground because it had not been dug just right. 

Some of these things are not good for the families concerned of course but for me well it makes life more interesting. 

     When I went into schools to do various talks in the classroom or when children came to visit the church they often wanted to know what I enjoy and what I don’t. In terms of the cultic rites, weddings come bottom, but funerals come top. The children look at me as if I am mad or disturbed. For me funerals provide an opportunity to hear the life story of a unique individual, what they mean to their family and friends and that is special. It’s also because of the nature of people’s vulnerability at such times. Any sense of pressure for it being a chance to bring people into church goes out of the window. Here is the time just to be a presence to help another person on life’s journey trusting to God. 

     My own experience of death before becoming a minster was really very limited, as it is for most people these days. Due to better health care I found people well into their forties going to a funeral for the first time, and it’s quite shocking for them to experience the emotions that are thrown up.

    My nana died when I was about eight but I was not allowed to attend the funeral, but I did attend my grand dad’s funeral when aged thirteen. I couldn’t understand why people were upset because in the youthfulness of my Christian faith I could only see Granddad being with God as a positive. 

     So with very limited experience, as minister I had to take on board the whole dying, death, funeral experience. I was thankful for one opportunity I had gone through when training for ministry. I was on placement and accompanied a minister on a funeral visit. As we sat in the kitchen of the home he sat patiently and quietly until the person was ready to speak. I found the whole silence thing very hard to handle then, now I think it’s one of the most important things we can do be it visiting the dying, a funeral visit or be silent in worship. I shared in the service doing a reading and found I sensed the emotion of the family like a great wave sweeping towards me as I read. It made it very hard to cope with my own emotions as they sobbed openly, that in fact does not happen often.

      Coping with your own emotions depends on the kind of person you are. I find that I am an emotional person and the longer I have known the individual whose service I am conducting the harder it becomes, especially if it’s a particularly tragic set of circumstances. Then I have to work really hard to order the service in such a way to cope with the experience, but I have preached the reflection with tears down my cheeks. It’s who I am and I have to trust to God each time to carry me through the service. But the little techniques of making sure your words are not too loaded to make it difficult to say, or not to look at the family at key points, can help keep your own emotions under wraps, after all its their funeral and they need to feel confident in you.

      So with very limited experience of death I arrived in my first appointment. Hardly unpacked I can see myself sitting at the bottom of the stairs answering the phone as it rang with the first of three funerals to conduct all in the first couple of weeks.

 Mrs Wadman was my first visit. Her husband, elderly, had died leaving her living in a mobile home site which she did not enjoy. So I sat and listened to her story and the life of her husband. I don’t know how long it took, but it was certainly longer than I would take today. In many ways the service was straightforward using the book. Mrs Wadman continued to come to my church for many years until she moved away, and then every Christmas I would receive the card and letter telling me her news, until one day a relative wrote to tell me she had died. The next two services, both men who had died, had similar names but just in reverse order. I took one service then the other. In the second service I got the name right throughout, except when doing the reflection when I made the mistake and gave the Christian name of the other man. Mr Parish the funeral director sidled up to me during the next hymn and said ‘Its William’ and I was left devastated and worried. Following the committal I made my way to the house to apologise. I need not have worried. The family were such they understood and out of such an error a friendship grew. I married one of the family, buried two others, baptised a child and made two of them church members. Not bad for one mistake! 

     Of course it does matter to make sure you get your information accurate and you write it down, never trust to chance. 

The form you use to record the details given to you by the funeral director, who will on most occasions be the one who contacts you, will need to be checked out with the family. In my first twelve years of ministry I found I could visit listen and not take notes, but once back in the car could write down all the relevant details on the reverse of the same form keeping all the information together in one place. Through the later parts of my ministry I took notes as I sat with the family, again on the back of the form. I kept the forms because sometimes you go back to the same family and it provides background information, and people do like to feel you know them and remember them. 

   The more funerals you are taking means it is easier to take the notes as you sit with the family because it saves you time. It’s important to try and type up your address fairly soon after the visit while things are fresh. On a practical note you can write out the cheques for the organist, steward and church and have them all ready to pick up when you go the service. The funeral director will make the payment and I have preferred to have the one cheque payable to myself, and I pay the others. Its saves people waiting to be paid out of church accounts and you have a record for tax purposes. As a side note you do need to keep a record of your wedding and funeral income so you can complete your declaration of income each year.

     I think it’s important again that you know what is to be the outcome of your funeral visit. That is to be able to put together an act of worship that celebrates the deceased life, offers the message of God’s love to sustain the living with purpose. They are grieving and will have questions, and that what is to be said and done has integrity. 

So to the visit. Your phone call to the family will be the first contact and you will need to introduce yourself as in most situations they will not know you. The funeral director will have asked what they want and if they have said they are ‘Methodist’ your name comes up, or if it’s all at the crematorium, and they just want a minister and if you are available when the funeral director rings up it will be you. 

     Funerals clearly come out of the blue so fitting in a visit may not always be easy or the funeral itself. Don’t allow funeral directors to dictate to you. If Monday is your rest day and they want the service in church then they will have to fit around you unless there is a really good reason for that particular day. Most funeral directors are good, but some can over direct the family, so you find they have picked the hymns, reading etc. Beware if you choose not to charge for a funeral; do tell the family to check the funeral directors invoice, it has been known for them still to charge. Most people can meet during the day because they are taking time off from work to sort out other arrangements, so don’t feel you have to go out on an evening or slip it in before a meeting. We are professional people who have other commitments. I allow an hour but usually find these days that all I need to know can be garnered in about 30 minutes sometimes 45. That may sound harsh to some but the reality is that by providing the pegs of life to a family they can soon give you the details.

    On arrival you may choose or not to have a drink, it can help them to be doing something. You may just have one person present or a room full. Try and be aware if more than one person is present if anyone is being left out of the conversation and try to draw them in. They can often be the person who gives the balance to the picture you are being given, the deceased may have been a saint, but it’s unlikely, and anyway saints are awful to live with. Be ready to hear ‘we never had a cross word all our married life’ it’s either a lie or someone was in charge and the other did as they were told. 

    I like to check out how the family would prefer me to refer to the person in the service. Just because their name was George means nothing! Then use that name in the service and in the meeting as it gives a sense of closeness to all concerned. Next I deal with the structure of the service. The family may have some idea of hymns, rarely readings, which they tend to leave to the minister. The same hymns come up time and again, reflecting their era either when they went to church or what they sung at school. 

    Increasingly we are faced with using CD music to come into the service and out. I go with it sometimes with a heavy heart because I am are conducting a Christian service and something’s are just not suitable. Be aware you may want to laugh. Being asked to have ‘bring me sunshine’ from Eric and Ernie as I walked ahead of the coffin just made me want to do their dance down the aisle, thankfully I resisted. One time the widow did not want anyone singing but all on CD sung by Daniel O’Donnell. So I found myself as DJ for the service, swapping CD’s as we went along. In fact it wasn’t that bad, but with a church full 200+ people I think we could have had some singing. But then it’s their funeral! 

    I only draw the line when someone wants a secular service and have to point out as I have from time to time, and once very firmly, I am a Christian minister. If people want a secular service then I’m not your individual. Sometimes members of family get it wrong. They want a service for themselves, maybe secular, forgetting that dad or mum did in fact believe and the service needs to reflect their belief not their children’s. Again as with so many aspects of ministry you need to enable people to trust you, and to have confidence in you. So having sorted out the structure of the service you can explain how things work, very important if children are present, so they are prepared. Then you can invite the family to share the person’s life. 

Some people write copious notes to give you and that is helpful. There is however, nothing quite like getting people speaking about the person, because it reveals how they really felt about them, and you capture a picture in your mind. So giving them the pegs of when born, where, school, Jobs, marriage, children, hobbies, holidays, groups part of, their illness and most importantly get them to tell you about their personality. Stories come out that paint a picture; I’ll never forget the woman who was so house proud she hovered her loft. When spoken in the service you could tell it was spot on, we all knew who we had come to give thanks for. I believe it’s important to ensure the words have integrity so it’s warts and all, using common sense not to mention some things. It is a real person we celebrate, not a one sided idealised person who you imply was perfect, the congregation will know they were not.

    You need to be aware of who will be present so that if you cannot find the time to mention in the reflection everyone, they may be mentioned in the prayers. If there are young children ask if they are coming, I prefer it if they do. More often than not children have given support their parents need, and as long as you are honest with them, they handle not just the funeral but death well. If when meeting it has seemed appropriate I might include in the service the story ‘water bugs and dragon flies’ helpful to children and adults.

    Useful to share with parents of young children is the book ‘Badgers parting gift’ by Susan Varley, that they might like to use later as a way to get children talking about their feelings about the person who died. I have used the later story in a school assembly when the school caretaker died, and as a whole school I led a service reflecting on him. It was a very useful tool though an emotional service.

   Remember to make the service personal, people need to know who it is they have come to say thanks for. I attended the funeral of a regular member of a chapel of mine, but the family had chosen to go to the crematorium and had the local Anglican priest. So I went with my normal congregation and sat in the service. The Vicar mentioned her name once and hardly said anything. As the funeral director said to me afterwards ‘now you know how not to do it’ 

   If people want a lot of hymns, most have two, you can enter singing a hymn and not use the sentences of scripture, this can save precious time and avoid a sense of rushing the service. Sometimes a member of the family or a friend wants to say something. This can be fine, it can be a disaster. You need to speak to them before hand to check out exactly what they will say. This avoids repeating information, and it may be that you can pause in your reflection to invite them to speak giving a family or personal view. Be warned when they say they will only be a couple of minutes it will be at least five. This is not usually a problem if the service is in church, but if it’s at the crematorium it will affect your timing of the service and the next one! This is why it’s important not to try and put too much into a service. People need space and time to think and reflect, if it’s all happening at a fast pace, that reflection and stillness cannot happen. I normally in the prayers for the family and deceased, have a period of silence for people to offer their own thoughts, part of the tapestry of a person’s life offered to God. 

    If you go to the crematorium do check if the family want the curtains left open or closed. Even then it can go wrong. I had a very elderly gentleman ask for them to be left open, they closed them, and I had to get them re opened so he could place a rose on the coffin and spend a moment there, it was not ideal. 

   Follow up. Well yes we all intend to do it. But as the funerals come in the list gets longer and other emergencies come first. So I feel you have to determine in your own mind who you will try and follow up. This may be based on what support they have from family and friends. In an ideal world you would want to make at least one call after the funeral, but I found as the years passed, this did not always happen or you don’t catch them in (so leave a card to say you have called).

    My work with the bereaved led to my involvement with ‘Cruse’ the bereavement organisation. This resulted from the fact I could see there was a real need to provide ongoing support to people. In practical terms I could not offer that on a one to one basis, or if I did I would never get anything else done. So I helped when living in St Ives (Cambridgeshire) to set up branch of Cruse for Huntingdonshire. Through its work I learnt so much particularly from a colleague Kate from the URC and many other skilled professionals who gave of their time. When I moved onto Leigh on Sea, Essex, I again became involved with CRUSE through their Southend Branch and was responsible for training their counsellors.      

    Key to this training was knowing when people needed professional counselling. This is true for ministers. We wear many hats from time to time. But at the end of the day we are Ministers and need to recognise that we cannot meet everyone’s needs nor have the skills to do so. We do not have the time. What we can do is learn enough to recognise when we need to refer people on to others.

Dying and Death

Though it does not happen as much as people expect you will be present when someone dies or arrive fairly soon afterwards. People may have called you, not to perform the last rites, well not if you’re a Methodist, but they do value prayers and readings as they recognise something is taking place outside their normal experience. With regular church people you may find it more natural to read a passage of scripture and to say prayers. Often I find in my prayers a dimension of giving permission for the person to stop struggling and to let go of this physical life. If they are in a coma like state or unconscious as far as we know, I will gently place my hand on their forehead as I say the prayers so what consciousness they do have they might sense my presence and hear my words. Words which may be as much for the family gathered as for the person dying.   

     Your presence may be helpful to the staff when family want to leave but don’t want to go as it seems so final to leave their loved one who has died. Giving people time is so important but helping them to move on is important. To me when someone dies or I arrive after they have died I have never been afraid. To me the body has become a mere shell that has served its purpose, and whatever it is that makes us, us, has moved on and I leave that to God. I may still shed tears as they die, as they give up their last breath, maybe tears of emotion for the family around who are struggling. That is all part of the process. 

    But people will still want and its right to say prayers when you arrive after someone has died. It’s a very personal moment, very intense, very unique, and if you have known them, it’s a time to say thank you to God for the person with a little detail about what made them unique. The larger picture of course can wait for the funeral, for that moment of time it’s the now that you are all sharing.

Being around for people in times of dying and death creates a bond between you and them. It’s almost a priestly role, but I think it’s because you have shared in one of the most important stages of life and that shapes your relationship. Perhaps it makes it harder for them to dislike you.

Finally having now conducted more funerals than I can recount do take some time to write out your own order of service with optional prayers, readings etc so you can vary it for your sake as well as others.

Increasingly people are choosing to have the committal first and then return to church for a Thanksgiving service. This does mean that you are not pressed for time and can be very appropriate.

 C  Weddings – off the peg

 ‘So what was the bride wearing?’ White!!

One of the great pleasures I used to enjoy in my first appointment was to mingle with guests prior to the marriage service. My main church overlooked the river. On a bright sunny day folk would gather for as long as possible over from the church enjoying the weather. So in my tee shirt and shorts I would just float around and mingle. Then just before time, nip back into church and throw on the cassock and conduct the service. Many a time I would receive looks from members of the congregation. A kind of recognition, but it can’t be! Weddings are not my favourite aspect of ministry.   I find them on the whole boring, and still I am amazed that people who really don’t believe in God want the full white wedding thing!! 

      But weddings come along from time to time and throw up some fun, not least the shot ‘gun wedding’ as it is referred to in our house. The wedding was themed because the couple belonged to a country and western group, bride, groom and congregation came along accordingly. Outside cowboys and Indians made a guard of honour and duly let off their guns. On a similar kind of occasion we had to have someone at the door of the church to guard all the guns. At least we get paid for a wedding!

So I turn my thoughts to marriage. It again starts with the phone call.

‘I’m enquiring about getting married next year’ or ‘how much do you charge for a wedding?’ or ‘do you have to live in the parish to get married at your church?’ or ‘do you marry divorced people?’

The list is endless. As a Methodist Minister you have to be ready for some sense of hurt when people have already tried their local Anglican church to be told they won’t marry divorced people, you are in fact second best. 

   If one of the partners has been divorced they can feel as if they have already let down their new partner preventing them from having the wedding of their dreams. You have to take a step back and treat everyone fairly listening to what they are saying, and what are their needs. You need to be clear in your own mind where you stand on remarriage and how you will explore previous relationships. I was not prepared for this at all when sent out as a minister. I recall being quite appalled by the number of instances where usually the woman spoke of the violence of her previous partner that led to divorce. At the other end of the scale or practicalities I was not shown how to fill in a marriage register just a minor but vital point of need.

    The basis for my own approach with regard to divorce lies in forgiveness and the possibility of re-creation. There is the need to recognise that relationships have always broken down, and will break down for many reasons in this day and age. This should not in my opinion preclude a new relationship and a new opportunity to create a marriage that is creative and lasting.

    To all enquires you need to check out that they do live in your area, and if possible encourage them to go to their nearest church so they can start worshipping at the place they will marry in. Realistically of course people return to their home area to get married, and you do have to make allowance for that fact. It’s important to make clear that in interviewing any couple you are not saying you will marry them, but that you are prepared to meet to discuss the matter. It’s also possible that as a result of your conversation the couple will choose not to get married or at least not on your terms and go elsewhere.  You will need to ask if they have been married before , and as a Methodist inform them that you will consult with your district chair before giving the go ahead. Increasingly you will have to ask if not on the phone at least at the interview how many times before have you been married? I nearly came unstuck when interviewing early on assuming that they had both been married once before, okay so we talked through those relationships. Then it became apparent they had both been married twice before. As the conversation progressed it became clear I would be unable to marry them as they were not looking for Christian marriage, and I doubted very much their present relationship would last. 

    I found that with wedding couples I met them at the manse in my study again using one evening a week if possible for such appointments. The initial interview was 30-45 minutes in length. Remember that all couples are different and come with a range of expectations. You have to try hard not to make it an inquisition. Why do you want a Christian wedding? 

We want God’s blessing! 

Why should God bless you? 

All that might be accurate but does not lead to a creative conversation. I have found after the usual pleasantries that just to jot down brief details their names, address, age and job is enough, after all you might not marry them. It’s important then to re-state the purpose of the meeting which you will have said over the phone. It is for them to explain why they want to get married, and secondly why they want a Christian marriage service. You will then want to share with them the churches view of Christian marriage and some of your own expectations. To put them at their ease get them to tell you how they met, and how long it’s been since they have been going out. This will tell you a lot if you listen carefully, and if one or both has been married before they will touch upon that relationship. You will need to explore briefly the previous relationships, but later in the conversation, you are trying to find out if they have learnt anything from their previous marriage. Most people have but occasionally someone has not, and that may serve, if you marry them, as a pointer towards discussion in later sessions. 

   Most folk are looking for the church wedding, not the Christian marriage. They may state they want God to bless them, but as above why should God bless you’? It is a valid point when it becomes clear neither couple have made any time for God in their relationship up to coming to meet you. So having teased out how they met, why they want to marry, how they understand that, and any understanding of Christian marriage. Then you can outline the Christian churches view of the nature of marriage. What they would be committing to and your own expectations which may include their attendance at worship perhaps once a month, to meet on a number of occasions for preparation for marriage, and they need to be clear they are willing to commit to that. When I say yes there will then follow a series of about four meetings in the run up to the marriage.

    My own reasoning for attendance at worship is as follows. A couple need to begin to bring their existing relationship under the guidance of God. Worship is one key way we explore our relationship with God learning with and from others. Couples wanting Christian marriage need to do that as well. 

    Secondly its part of the important sense of creating a sense of expectation that God will be part of the marriage service, their life together and getting into a good habit it may continue to serve them in the future to underpin the marriage. 

   Thirdly, though our worship is public, it is the worship of those who believe, and to roll up some Saturday out of the blue get married and disappear is a nonsense. The Christian community has always been used, but we do need to make it clear, that being a Christian is for life. If we all took the approach of those who come along and used the church it would cease to be there for the rites of passage in people’s lives.  

    If I am comfortable with the couple I will normally say yes at the meeting, book the wedding service and the next appointment. If they have been married before I always ask them to ring me in a couple of day’s time for my answer. I may already know that it will be yes, but sometimes time to reflect, to consult with colleagues is important, and if really necessary speak to the chair of the district (very rare event).  Ministers need to be aware that sometimes people have already been turned down for good reasons elsewhere and they then hide that information from you. Even in this day and age there are folk who may come to you because they do not want your colleague who is a woman to marry them. In this we cannot collude with their prejudice and so must say no. You may get a referral from a colleague who does not marry divorced people a situation that I have experienced. 

    The following meetings you have with a couple are spread out over hopefully the year in the run up to the service.  Each meeting is part of the preparation for marriage. 

So you will need to have a session on the practicalities of the service, what they need to do, so the form you create for weddings can serve as your reminder. 

Secondly a session looking at the service and explaining the meaning of its various parts, after all on the day it’s too late, and they won’t hear much of what’s happening in all the excitement of the day. I try to make clear that a wedding service as laid out in the book, and it’s good to give a photocopy of the service for them to take away to read in advance of your discussion, is a kind of standard service which they will have to personalise. The way they do that is through selection of music, people to share in the service, readings/poems etc (I always insist on one bible reading) right down to who will sign the register, it does not have to be best man and chief bridesmaid.

      Other sessions look at the wider issues of married life posing the questions they need to have explored prior to the day; not least do you want to have children? In my experience that has led to divorce when the previous partner didn’t. So through the various sessions you get to know the couple and form a relationship so at the very least in the service you and they know what they are doing. The congregation may act like spectators but you want the couple to be fully engaged in the service. You want to feel that you have at least posed the questions to do all you can to prevent the marriage failing for lack of facing up to the realities of a life lived together. Mind you most couples will already be living together and you will need to point out that in getting married many people speak of a subtle change that occurs once married and that in itself brings a stress. 

Of course wedding are great times for the minister to observe the un-churched in action: 

• singing will be dire. 
• most men will keep their mouths firmly shut, 
• younger people will giggle in embarrassment, theirs’ not yours, 
• older folk will at least attempt to join in. 
• hardly anybody will know the Lord’s prayer. 

The list is endless.  As minister you get to watch faces, take note of what people wear and in response to your wife’s question ‘what was the bride wearing’ are able to respond as the years go by it was white or was it cream!  

Mind you, just occasionally it becomes very difficult not to notice what guests are wearing. On a particular occasion a guest, fairly tall, slim but with a  good figure came clothed in a very tight fitting dress, and just a for a moment I was distracted by the thought ‘she can’t be wearing anything under that’! Oh yes we ministers are human. 

 The service itself will last on average 30-40 minutes depending on how many hymns they have, usually two or three. It’s important to create a sense of being in charge with confidence. So timing is important, not to be rushed. It is helpful to complete the marriage registers the day before when you are undisturbed. You ink in those parts not dependant on if the service happens or not, and pencil in the rest. I did have one couple not turn up to a wedding rehearsal and after meeting another couple that evening went round to discover they had called the service off but had not told me.

 On the day you can then arrive in good time to greet the groom, get him to check the registers, and be ready to meet the bride at the doors of the church. You will have been able to speak to anyone who will be reading in the service showing them where to stand and at what point to come out. Photographers tend to be okay unless as at one wedding the groom was a photographer, and was telling everyone what to do at the rehearsal to the point I had to tell him to shut up. Too many cooks spoil the broth. There can only be one person in charge and that is you.  

Video is another potential pain to the minister. Do check if they are having a professional and that they have a licence, some parts of the service are copyright. Tell them where you want them to stand, out of your eyesight, and not to move around. Why anyone would want to watch themselves get married over and over again I still don’t know! I can only assume they hope something goes wrong to send it in to the TV to make some money.

 Allow an hour for the service and I allow another hour after the wedding before doing the next service. This means if the bride is late, and I did have one 35 minutes late due to traffic, there is still time for the service, and then getting the church ready for the next service. Besides if they want photos’ outside they can be there forever. Remember people need to be made welcome so the way you greet them is important. Make the guests feel at home, and include them wherever you can in the service. The address while on the theme of marriage, and meant particularly for the couple gives the chance to broaden out the message into the nature of relationships which need to be Christ centred and lived in Christ’s love. But it’s not about an evangelical rally with an altar call. 

      I like to sign the registers in church because going out just leaves the congregation twiddling their thumbs, and once signed you can then invite family to come and take their own pictures so keeping everything together.

    In spite of the time put into each wedding and I worked it out once as eight hours per couple, they have rarely made their home in the church. Just occasionally a longer relationship has taken place and that is very satisfying, though usually they have had some kind of link with church before deciding to get married.